baby steps
by rubies and diamonds
Summary: all he can think is that he likes him a bit more than his other friends, but doesn't like him as much as barf, because really, he will never love anything more than his dragon.


**a/n: **this is so self indulgent it's disgusting but hey writing about me through my baby children helps

**disclaimer: **i don't own the httyd franchise. all of these musings are based on my own personal head canons.

this style could be described as 'more line breaks than necessary' and 'please don't think that these are tuffnut's thoughts or anything because as much as i love this child he would never say or think anything as smart as this'.

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><p>Tuffnut first noticed it when he was thirteen and Snotlout wouldn't shut up about how hot Astrid was, and how his sister kept moaning that there were no men worthy of her time here on Berk.<p>

Since it wasn't just him, but Fishlegs, Hiccup and Astrid that didn't seem affected by this new and unprovoked lust, he didn't think much of it.

When he was fourteen and they all started dragon training together, he began to question 'it' further. Snotlout relentlessly hit on Astrid, who continually shot him down; Ruffnut had decided that since there were no men worthy of her time, she would move on to girls; and Fishlegs had told him of his developing crush on his sister. Hiccup and Astrid were still normal, like him, he hoped; until he saw them kissing and decided that maybe there was something wrong.

He was fifteen and 'Heather the Hot', as Snotlout had dubbed her, had arrived and sent all the boys (plus Ruffnut) into a tizzy. He wondered why he didn't find her attractive in the same way the rest of the group did. He thought she was pretty, since anyone would have to be blind to think otherwise, but thought nothing more on the matter. She was pretty, and that was it.

She asks to hang out with him one morning and seems interested in Barf, so he spends the day with her and tells stupid jokes and pretends not to lean away when she draws in closer. She doesn't seem to be bothered, or even notice, to his relief.

Hiccup's (debatable) friend Dagur comes to visit and monopolises him for the duration of it, leaving Astrid snippy and annoyed. Ruffnut takes the piss and antagonises her, while Snotlout moans about why she cares so much about dumb Hiccup.

At age 20, when Hiccup is chief and is well on his way to making Astrid his bride, when Ruffnut is clinging to Eret son of Eret like he is her lifeline and he has gradually started to protest to it less and less, when Snotlout declares himself In Love with a girl who had visited Hiccup claiming to be a family friend, and when Fishlegs begins to date the cute baker girl with burn scars along her arms from the oven and round rosy cheeks, Tuffnut internally labels himself as broken.

He drinks with Snotlout one night, because they are close friends and not many people are capable of handling a drunk Snotlout (or a sober one at that). Things go fine till he asks who he has been secretly crushing on for the past six years, because there's no way he couldn't have found someone he finds hot, and, is it him, it's okay, he knows he's hot, he doesn't mind. Tuffnut downs the rest of his tankard and orders another, ignoring him. He thinks about how if Ruff had asked that he would have punched her square in the face. He kind of wishes he could punch Snotlout. He doesn't know why he doesn't, honestly.

* * *

><p>Hiccup and Astrid's wedding is beautiful, as agreed by everyone in attendance.<p>

Snotlout drinks.

Fishlegs eats.

Ruffnut cries and Tuffnut laughs at her.

She punches him.

He punches back.

She leaves him for Eret.

He's never felt so alone.

* * *

><p>He decides it time for him to get over himself and take a girl out. Or a guy. He doesn't care anymore. It just has to be someone. He needs to know he's normal like the rest of the kids.<p>

He plans to ask Snotlout about it when they next go out drinking, since he seems to think he knows so much about dating, but instead of asking just gets a drunk Snotlout throwing himself on him and kissing him vicariously, slipping his tongue past his lips and into his mouth. It doesn't feel bad, but not good either. He doesn't know what to do, so moves his mouth in a way that he hopes is normal. He doesn't know why Snotlout is kissing with more fervour as they go on, he isn't getting anything out of it, which he guesses is the wrong reaction, considering it has a very big effect on Snotlout. The words 'broken' flash around in his mind as Snotlout's hands wander his torso.

Snotlout calls him babe next time he sees him and Tuffnut frowns. He likes Snotlout well enough, and probably wouldn't mind kissing him again, but he knows what Snotlout really wants, having grew up with him and hearing him talking about it all the time, and wants to tell him not to assume anything because he doesn't even think that kind of activity is possible for him.

* * *

><p>Hiccup's friend visits again and Snotlout reannounces his Love for her. Tuffnut doesn't know how to feel. He doesn't think that he really cares.<p>

Snotlout takes him out the day before she leaves and insists on buying. He doesn't argue, and orders as much as he can. It's a one in a million chance, and he doesn't intend to waste it. He can feel Snotlout's eyes on him, and notices the small touches here and there that he keeps giving. Tuffnut can honestly say he has no idea what is going on, and declares himself confused, but doesn't care, since he's paying for him tonight, so he can look and think whatever he wants about him.

He wonders if he should have expected it when Snotlout kisses him again.

* * *

><p>Fishlegs marries the baker and everyone asks Ruffnut when her and Eret are going to get married. She laughs in their faces.<p>

Snotlout sticks with him for most of the night and he doesn't feel as lonely as he did on the night of Hiccup and Astrid's wedding. He thanks Snotlout before he passes out cold on the table, and pries the mug out of his hand in order to finish his drink, because it is clear Snotlout won't be awake anytime soon to do so.

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><p>Ruffnut accosts him one night and asks if he's screwing Snotlout. She's cackling when she asks. He headbutts her out of the way and replies with a "Definitely not".<p>

She asks if Snotlout's his boyfriend, still laughing her grating, awful laugh, and he punches her before replying with a "What, no".

She then asks what the hell they're doing, sounding angry, and he knees her while replying "Nothing".

She elbows him in the jaw and kicks him in the groin before saying, "He doesn't seem to think so".

Tuffnut rolls his eyes and climbs the stairs before going to his room and dropping down onto his bed.

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><p>Snotlout is too close and moving his hands too south and Tuffnut is panicking because he doesn't like this at all, it feels wrong and awful, not neutral and simple like kissing, and he just wants to get his hands off of him and keep them where they were before on all the other occasions Snotlout had kissed him. He grabs his wandering hands and holds them up and shakes his head shallowly. He doesn't know how to say "don't touch me" without it sounding like a rejection or an insult. Snotlout seems to understand in his own way and doesn't press the matter further.<p>

* * *

><p>Fishlegs' wife is expecting, as he tells the group the morning of the arrival of the good news. They are met with congratulations all around and he thanks them while she blushes and gently rubs at her stomach.<p>

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><p>Snotlout tries again with his wandering hands and Tuffnut wonders if he should just let it happen because it seems everyone his age and younger has or is having sex and it must be quite ridiculous that he isn't.<p>

He shakes his head when Snotlout asks his silent question once more, and tells himself 'next time'.

* * *

><p>Three nights of building himself up and talking himself into 'being a man', he nods when Snotlout's hands hover just above his hips, the same as every other time before. Snotlout kisses with more enthusiasm after Tuffnut gives his consent, and he tries his hardest not to flinch as his large hands grope around his body, trying to strip him of his clothes, and wince as he leaves kisses down his abdomen.<p>

It's not as bad as Tuffnut had thought it would be, but it comes close.

* * *

><p>Snotlout is more touchy-feely after, much to Tuffnut's chagrin. It's not that he has anything against Snotlout - he likes him, more than he does others and in a way that's not exactly the same but not too different either, doesn't mind kissing him and likes to be in his company. The only thing he dislikes is how bold and assuming he can be.<p>

Snotlout frowns when he pushes his hands away and relocates them to somewhere more comfortable.

* * *

><p>Ruffnut laughs and tells him that she knows him and Snotlout banged. He tries to repress the shiver that wants to run down his spine at the unpleasant memory.<p>

"Yeah, but it won't happen again," he says, and Ruffnut laughs even louder.

* * *

><p>He's with Snotlout again - he doesn't really know how it ends up happening all the time, but then he realises all their other friends have gotten on with their lives and left both him and Snotlout to try and catch up with them and their newfound maturity.<p>

The night goes great, all until Snotlout declares they ought to leave the main hall and go get some air.

He follows as Snotlout leads him to the cliff face by the yak farm where he and Ruffnut go to tip them, and sits down. Tuffnut drops down besides him.

They sit in silence for a while, until Snotlout gets a look on his face that is oddly serious and slightly disoriented, thanks to the few tankards of ale the two had shared. It only gets worse as he opens his mouth and asks, "Tuff, babe, uh..." He looks lost and Tuffnut almost feels bad. "What are we?"

Tuffnut adds that to the list of things he wasn't expecting, just before Ruffnut getting a boyfriend, and after Hiccup actually being man enough to keep Astrid interested.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, then feigns ignorance, something he was admittedly very good at. "We are dragon riders. The very best." He speaks slowly, like talking to a child.

Snotlout rolls his eyes. "No, dude, I mean, like, us."

"Uh..." it's like someone has hit him across the face with a very large, very heavy book; one that Tuffnut would have extreme difficulty reading.

He thinks he knows what love is - courtesy of Hiccup, Fishlegs, and his sister. He does know, however, that he feels none of what they described about Snotlout, as was expected. He still knows there is something that he feels for him _there _though, he just doesn't know what.

All he can think is that he likes him a bit more than his other friends, but doesn't like him as much as Barf, because really, he will never love anything more than his dragon.

"I didn't..." he swallows. "I didn't know that there was an 'us', dude."

Snotlout's face freezes, then falls.

His stomach drops at his expression and he rushes out, "N-not like that! Just - I mean, dude, how did this even happen, like between us? I wanted to ask you how to take a girl out! But - I don't have a problem with an 'us' - okay, lie, there would be a few things, but for arguments' sake, say I don't have any... okay, only one _significant_ problem, but -" he looses his trail of thought, and slumps forward, head in his lap.

"It's cool, dude. I guess I just got over my head, maybe." He sounds so pitiful that Tuffnut wants to punch himself in the gut. Hard. "If you don't want to be my boyfriend or whatever, then just say."

He thinks that it isn't so much that he doesn't want to be his boyfriend, it's more so that he doesn't want all the lingering attachments and connotations implied with the label.

He decides to tell him as much, because why not, he's being mostly honest anyway. He sighs deeply and brings himself up and begins talking, feeling a little weightless as he sits on the edge of Berk rather than the edge of a barstool.

Tuffnut is looking away, and only turns after he hears Snotlout heave a heavy sigh, a small smile directed at him. "Guess you just won't be my boyfriend then," he says.

He frowns because _didn't he just explain this he's supposed to be the dumb one_. "- I'll just call you something like my smoochbro or kissdude."

"Dude, what the hell," Tuffnut asks. He can't deny that he's a little happy though.

"They're great names, shut up," Snotlout defends.

"Whatever you say, dude," he replies, and thinks that maybe they're both on their way to becoming as mature as the rest of their friends.

Baby steps, though.

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><p><strong>an: **this ship is like the one you tell yourself ah don't ship it that much but i like it idk then one night it hits you and you cry yourself to sleep because fUCK you really ship it


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